"Marketing" (named after its philosophical figurehead, Mark Wahlberg) was invented in 2006 to promote the feature film, Big Momma's House 2, starring Mark's good friend, Eddie Murphy.

But what exactly is marketing?

In very simple terms, the core purpose of marketing is to elevate synergy across force-multiplied channels for the ROI-centric operational execution of B2B C-suite revenue streams to cross promote deliverables in a future-forward approach across a diverse array of good on you if you read this far accelerate your driving comfort.

Now that you know the bare-bone basic definition, it's time you learned the three most important principles in all of marketing: the ABCs.

But before we start, we should warn you: there are agencies out there that will tell you the opposite. That Mark Wahlberg had nothing to do with the marketing principles we know today. That the sea of sameness is dangerous waters. That copy that resonates on a human level can get people to pay attention.

It's important you don't get sidetracked, because this guide has all the answers. Whether they're the right or wrong answers doesn't really matter right now.

Don't think about it too much.

You know what your company does. So why does anyone else need to?

Load up that website with contradictory buzzwords that can be translated in a million different ways. If a lead reaches out with a semi-intelligible understanding of what your company has to offer them, you have failed. Hang up immediately and change your number.

If your company manufactures hinges for industrial applications and a lead asks you, "Just curious; why would chihuahuas need custom fanny packs for their concealed carry permits and how the hell are you still in business?", you're right on the money.

Politely inform them that this is America, and although chihuahuas do not have arms, they still have the right to bear them and look good doing it. Explain no further. Sell some hinges. Repeat.

They can say "what is wrong with you?", "How could you possibly expect this to work?", and "I agree. It is absurd that Diane Warren has been nominated 18 times but never won an Oscar."

But they can't say no.

There are agencies out there who don't have your best interests. They'll tell you your customers need to know what you're selling. That some distinctly human cleverness, charm and coherence can help you escape the sea of sameness.

Don't be fooled. The sea of sameness is your friend.

Think of it like the Dead Sea. Not in the sense that its salinity makes it uninhabitable for most life forms. Think of it as a relaxing vacation destination you'll never leave.

Because why would you want to?

Have a few beers and swim toward the horizon. Follow the siren's song. Dive deeper. Feeling lightheaded? So did the executives at Enron, Lehman Brothers, and FTX when they swam the very same path.

You're in good company.

Like your favorite people to hang out with, copy should be dead inside.

Don't believe me? Let's look at some examples.

The incompetent David Ogilvy once wrote this headline for a Rolls-Royce ad: "At 60 miles an hour the loudest noise in this new Rolls-Royce comes from the electric clock."

Nice try, nerd. The year is 2026, and an app that anyone with an internet connection can access for $20 a month is how you're going to be #1. If Ogilvy knew anything about copy, this is what he would have come up with:

Banger.

Make that whole thing your headline and watch the awards roll in.

See what I mean? Lifeless, meaningless copy that only exists to fill an ever-increasing existential void is very now. Very in. Even if they don't read all of it, it lets your customers know, "I don't really care about you. I have better things to do." And don't we all have better things to do?

Now that's relatable.

Sure, Ogilvy is touted as one of the greatest copywriters of all time and created a multi-billion-dollar global advertising empire that still stands today. But I asked ChatGPT and turns out he's a nepo baby. His dad founded Instagram, and he got most of his connections from hooking up with Shawn Mendes at an after-party or something.

Mark Wahlberg once said about Flight 93, "If I were on that plane… it wouldn't have went down like it did."

And just like Mark Wahlberg, you too can solve complex problems with nothing but confidence and a complete misunderstanding of the situation.

So ignore the agencies telling you to stand out. The ones who point out to you that if your current path was working, you never would have sought them out in the first place.

The ones trying to help you help yourself.

Because that's working. Right?